Sports for the Sports Impaired

We don't all get it...but what if we took a class?

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

I was talking to my friend John a few days ago about our shared ‘sports impairment.’ I was going to call it ‘sports impairment syndrome,’ but that makes the acronym ‘SIS’ which seemed like a bad idea.

The thing is, neither of us grew up as athletes (I know, it’s hard to believe…). Further, as adults we found that we never fit the normal American, red-blooded male paradigm because we never cared enough about popular sports to be able to converse with other males about those sports.

I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a check-out line and had another man look at me and ask what I thought about the upcoming World Series, or what I thought Clemson’s chances were against Alabama this year. When it happens, I’m usually a little taken aback and look around in hopes they’re talking to another sports guy. Typically, they aren’t. They assume (apparently from my hulking physique) that I’m able to join in the conversation and contribute meaningfully. They probably think I played some ball back in the day. (Yeah, yeah, stop laughing.)

Anyway, whether in the checkout line, at a party or milling around church after services (where southern football scores are nearly as important as hymn numbers or scripture chapter and verse) I find that I have developed a few stock answers. I say things like ‘it’s anybody’s guess,’ or ‘wish I could watch but I’m working.’

Worse, sometimes I’ll be wearing a sweatshirt that suggests some kind of allegiance (hence informed opinion). I went to undergraduate at Marshall University and to medical school at West Virginia University. I occasionally run into someone who follows one of my schools. They will ask more pointed questions about coaches and players that leave me utterly unable to answer. So I resort to, ‘I haven’t been back in a while, guess I’m out of the loop. What do you think?’ I can usually say, with some accuracy, ‘not sure, but the WVU rifle team is doing great!’ Because they always are.

What I usually want to say is ‘I graduated from WVU! But I spent most of my time in the library studying,’ or ‘I once watched part of a game from the top of the hospital while I was on call.’ Those answers are sure to get you a judgy look from most other men, so I don’t fall back on them very often.

All of this is to say that John had a great idea, and like most writers, I immediately decided to steal it for this post. So attribution goes to long time friend and colleague, Dr. John Short: Eagle Scout, sailor, fly-fisherman, mountaineer, pilot, husband and father among other things.

His idea was this: what if there were a seminar for sports impaired adult men to attend so that we could learn to fit in with the rest of the guys? I thought it was brilliant.

Imagine a room full of men who feel cut off from most of their fellow American males because they’re afraid of being stuck in front of the television on Thanksgiving, unable to contribute. Or who have nothing to add to any conversation during the Final Four. How liberating it would be for all of us to be together knowing that the pressure was off and we could admit that we’d rather do almost anything that watch sports! (The exception for me being the Winter Olympics. I love to watch the Biathlon.)

So what would this camp cover? I thought of a few lecture topics:

‘College sports: important teams, records and mascots.’

‘Touchback, Double Play and Screen: The Terms You Need to Know.’

‘Little known schools and obscure sports to use as distractions in conversation.’

‘The heart of the game. Understanding referees and rules.’

‘What happened on the field? A primer on cheering at the right moment.’

‘Professional sports scandals you should know.’

‘Athletic salaries so huge you can talk about them at parties.’

‘Big names in professional sports. Coaches and players down the years to remember.’

‘The Big Game: Famous games you should be able to discuss.’

‘Gambling on sports: Understanding what the odds mean.’

‘Owners, coaches, managers and athletes you should learn to hate.’

‘Signals to send your wife to rescue you from athletic conversations.’

All of this would, of course, be accompanied by a phone app to fall back on in a pinch. And it would be updated regularly by subscription.

Let’s face it. There are some men who are so immersed in all of this from childhood that it’s second nature. And there are some of use who just weren’t.

My own dad watched the Superbowl and the World Series. And that was pretty much it. My favorite sport as a kid, enabled by my dad, was called ‘BB Gun.’ I spent most of my waking hours walking around the woods and creek shooting at stuff.

I never played a single day of organized sports; which means my kids are well ahead of me, having played T-ball, soccer and basketball in grade-school. A couple of them follow college ball with some regularity. But even as they’re more informed than I am, they’re still a lot like me. Once we happened to have a college game on in the living room when all of the kids were in high school or college and home together. Daughter Elysa opined, ‘Well look at us, watching sports like a normal family!’ The point being, that was pretty rare.

Fortunately for our kids, their mother spent a ton of time around sports, since she had brothers who played ball (including college football) and was raised by a dad who helped coach his sons and helped build a local football field. She has a far better understanding of sports than I ever have. Also, she actually went to games in college, a thing I rarely did but in retrospect probably should have. I was an enormous, anxious nerd. (I know, also hard to believe…no?)

Now, don’t get me wrong. Although John and I are not really sports guys, we do have normal guy qualities. We’ve both said remarkably stupid things to our wives over the years. We both laugh out loud at jokes more appropriate for middle-school boys.

We have both spent time fishing and hunting, we enjoy range time with our firearms. John likes a good cigar. I once smoked a cigar. We both rant about politics, and hold dim views of communists. We both make our children roll their eyes. We both love our families enormously.

But when it comes to sports, the kind of sports other guys follow with such passion, we’re just knots on a log. (Although as we’re both emergency physicians we can bring some pretty fun commentary to the table when horrifying injuries occur on the field.)

So if you’re like us, if you’re sympathetic to our plight, please comment. And suggest what classes you would like to see at ‘John and Ed’s Sports Camp for non-Sports guys,’ (Trademark).

Edwin