Squirrel Science
High Hopes by Sciurus carolinensis, the Eastern Gray Squirrel.
Proceedings of the 2023 meeting of the Gray Squirrel Academy of Science, Section on Road Crossing.
I.
This year Professor Rocky McNutts presented his much awaited research on mathematical modeling of road crossing, using vector analysis to predict the path of oncoming human-driven vehicles. This was met with great enthusiasm by attendees and it was hoped that his method might well solve the issue at last.
https://jp-transport-highway-consultant.co.uk/swept-path-analysis/
After the evening cocktail hour, his enthusiastic assistant research assistant Fluffy Ratston decided (after a few too many) to apply the system in an attempt to not only give credence to the system but also to secure a mate for the Autumn.
Next year’s cocktail hour will be held in Fluffy’s memory. His body is currently believed to be embedded in a truck tire on I 81 headed towards Knoxville, TN. He will be greatly missed.
As an aside, this in no way invalidates Professor McNutts’ system as acornahol was a contributing factor to the tragedy.
II.
Professor Scrappy Treehole presented a fascinating bit of research on the dangers of combustion versus electric vehicles, entitled Tesla: Environmental Wonder or Silent Death.
His research suggests that electric vehicles can indeed be both environmental wonders and silent death. It has been proposed that members of our species build their nests in areas more likely to be populated with loud muscle cars and motorcycles than electric vehicles, given that the relative risk of death is lower in those areas, shotguns and coyotes not withstanding.
It was observed, in addition, that electric vehicles were quite hard on old human ladies, who likewise cannot hear them approach.
III.
Professor Rusty Branchrattle, of the Red Squirrel Institute, took things in a new direction, asking if perhaps vehicles were actually living things which could be negotiated with. He and his team spent several days living inside the engine of a parked Dodge Durango, attempting to communicate with it using all known squirrel languages, sounds and symbology.
When the vehicle was started by its human owner, several members of the Red Squirrel Institute were inadvertently relocated. The have not made any attempt to communicated since their departure to points distant in the Durango.
IV.
PhD student Buckina Toothcracker presented a unique perspective with research asserting that the problem really lies in the physical fitness and lack of training of our race. That is to say, lazy, out of shape squirrels tend to do poorly on highways. This research deserves more work. It has been noted that many of the younger squirrels who perish have simply made stupid dares with one another. We are working on a public service announcement to address this issue.
V.
A short poster presentation by undergraduate Sniffles Furstein addressed the relative lethality of regular tires vs studded winter tires or tires with chains. While fascinating, most attendees feel that it’s the fact that the vehicle is so *&^$# heavy that results in the death of the squirrel. We had a lot of laughs.
VI.
The Armadillo Institute suggested we consider developing armor, but presenter Prof. Leather Dermis could not really account for the fairly large number of dead, heavily armored Armadillos documented in our research forays.
The Flying Squirrel Consortium, as always, presented a brief talk entitled: Fly You Fools! Which of course, most of us can’t.
The local Red Hawk guild stopped by to say, ‘thank you!’
Please be on the lookout for next year’s meeting dates and locations. We aren’t giving up the fight against VRSD. Vehicle Related Squirrel Deaths.
Prairie dogs had a problem with being trampled by buffalo. They tried various remedies, but none worked, and they kept getting squashed. So, they decided to hire the owl as a consultant and paid him a hefty sum for his services. Six months later, the owl presented a 247-page report, which suggested, among other things, that the prairie dogs reinforce their holes with steel and concrete and travel about in miniature tanks whose hulls would be electrified with high voltage to deliver painful shocks to the buffalos. The prairies dogs were dazzled by the level of detail in the proposal, and the committee chair praised the owl’s work. But then, one obscure committee member asked the owl how they could actually follow these suggestions. The owl grew irritated and said, “Look, you paid me to come up with an innovative solution to your problem. That’s what my firm does, and we met our end of the bargain—in great detail. But implementation is your responsibility.” And with that, he flew off to his next appointment.
I look forward to the squirrel heath PSA. I have noticed the tendency toward laziness among many in the local squirrel community. Squirrel Lives Matter people! Do your part to reduce VRSD.