Thanksgiving Chaos and Adult Children
Love, love love. And roll with it.
ER dad Leap enjoying the honor of carving the Kroger Rotisserie Chicken. With a #10 blade scalpel. You just roll with it.
It’s a chaotic day this Thanksgiving. I’m working 12 hours in the emergency department. Who knows what adventures today may hold? My saintly wife Jan is taking dinner to my mother and great aunt a couple of hours away. Meanwhile, we’re having family Thanksgiving with about 25 family and friends tomorrow. But my job is 5 hours from our home (it’s a long story I’ll tell sometime).
So, around 11 pm tonight, or maybe at 4 am in the morning, Jan and I will load up Zelda dog, some groceries we’ve purchased, bags of pre-prepared cookie-dough she made, a touch of caffeine and carb snacks and drive across some of the prettiest parts of southern Appalachia (in the dark) to go home and get the ball rolling for ‘second Thanksgiving.’ (We’re hobbits at heart.)
Along the way, the adult kids are doing their thing, working, interviewing for jobs and taking classes. Oh, and one had his car stolen in another city and may or may not make it for Thanksgiving dinner since the police (who have located the car) aren’t working today so they can’t return it yet.
Life is like this. Of course, as a person who works in a job that is 24/7/365, our family is accustomed to weird schedules and odd holiday celebrations. Years ago Jan sagaciously reminded me that the exact date we celebrate matters far less than the people we’re with and the time we spend together. And she always does her best to make every event wonderful for all of us.
We have birthdays a week or a month late; Jan is a Leap Year baby so her birthday is technically only every four years anyway! We’ve had Christmas at 5:30 am so I could go to day shift, or at 8 am followed by papa going straight to bed because he just worked nights. And of course, some holidays I’m off completely and things are sort of like the way ‘normal people’ celebrate.
All of this, however, has been excellent training for life with young adult children. Our daughter and sons are 22, 24, 26 and 28. They are in various stages of life and relationships. They have things to do, and obligations, that just don’t always fit in with their parents’ schedules; but that seems fair since I did the same to them for all of their childhoods.
So my kids, and your kids, may or may not be with us for a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving. Whatever. Do it tomorrow or next week, or on the phone or by Zoom. But do it all with love.
In addition, this holiday season it’s important for all of us to remember a few things about those people in our lives who are moving out into the world and into their own adult journeys.
For one thing, they usually want to be home but sometimes they just can’t. And that’s OK. It doesn’t mean they love us one ounce less. They actually want parental affection and reassurance more than most parents know, but it’s hard to acknowledge it when you’re a ‘grown up.’
Furthermore, when they have relationships, the families of those young men and women want their people around also. We all have to share. And maybe that means we switch years, or we all start celebrating together. When this happens the love doesn’t diminish; it grows exponentially with people added.
There is no place for using guilt in these situations. None. If you can learn to navigate it with kindness, there will be great dividends down the years. Make it miserable and you’ll be eating sliced turkey sandwiches all alone with the cat.
Next, those young people have opinions, or life situations, that we may or may not understand. Growing up involves trying on new ideas and sometimes rejecting the things they knew as children; sometimes permanently, sometimes only for a while.
We don’t have to agree with them to love them. And we absolutely don’t need to start arguments or try to change anyone’s mind on a holiday. Argue about fresh vs jelled cranberry sauce, dark meat or white, pumpkin pie or apple. Argue about football if you must. But for heaven’s sake, don’t fight about politics or culture. Or, quite frankly, religion. (I am reminded of a quote which I think was by St. John Chrysostom, who said ‘talk to God about your children more than you talk to your children about God.’ Sound advice. If I’ve sourced it incorrectly, please let me know.)
Finally, and this is really critical, it’s a hard time out there for young people entering the world of adulthood. Even when the kids are doing well, it’s tough. The economy is not friendly for the young (or anyone else). The housing market is awful. Cars are ridiculously expensive. Healthcare is difficult to access with insurance and potentially bankrupting without it.
Our young adult children are sometimes lonely and frightened. Anxiety and depression are epidemic. Crime is out of control. And these kids are just moving past the jarring emotions of COVID.
So this Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year, and every one from now on, just be kind. Be the adult in the room. Speak gently to your young adults and hug them if you can. Tell them that if they can’t make it home, it’s cool and you’ll do something else together soon. And if they can’t make it in life, offer to help them in whatever way you can, without judgment.
This season should be a time of love and kindness. Especially today it should be a time of gratitude that we have people in our lives, even if things don’t go the way we want in our classic Americana fever dreams. Life is like that. Even during the holidays, life is chaos and madness, unpredictable situations and struggle.
But there’s no reason it can’t be marinated with love and kindness.
So stay safe, avoid the ER if you can.
And Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Edwin