The Unspoken Stressors of College

Parental expectations and other pitfalls

(Jan and I met at Marshall University, 41 years ago next month. Go Herd!)

We have four children. All are adults, past their undergraduate years. But since it’s fall, and friends are posting images of their children going away to college, I’m reminded of when our own sons and daughter were university students. I remember that when they first went to school, or later went back, Jan and I would find ourselves walking past empty bedrooms and accepting the fact that they weren’t returning at the end of each day to eat all of the food in the house and tell us stories. And also realizing that it was suddenly less cluttered! (Well, a little; I’m pretty messy.)

All over the state, nation and world, families have sent daughters and sons off to be educated. And what a great thing! What a season in life! How incredible in the history of the world that education is so widely available! And even though parents may be a bit sad, there are so many in the world who have lost children to disease, accident, starvation or war. Each of them would give anything to have their children alive; much less going away to learn.

However, as grand as college is, it’s a time of significant stress for our young people. Many are leaving home for the first time. This means great fun and adventure. But it also means a separation from those who have, for at least 18 years, been their constant supporters and care-takers. It means leaving the comfort of the known for new places and new people. It exposes the kids to new insights and experiences…both positive and negative.

It introduces them to other young men and women from different backgrounds, cultures and lifestyles. It is the place where many will meet future spouses as we did. And hopefully, it helps inculcate independence and problem solving.

Of course, their sudden unsupervised state also opens them up to all sorts of struggles. It can unmask underlying depression or anxiety. College can also reveal, quite harshly, that perhaps young students aren’t as academically prepared as everyone thought. It also gives opportunities for bad habits and bad decisions. This is especially true in a time when, for a variety of reasons, some young people seem to be maturing later than in previous generations.

Perhaps this is why colleges are reporting more and more students struggling with mental illness and substance abuse. University mental health clinics are always busy. And many kids end up dropping out or transferring to schools closer to home.

However, we also forget that when the kids pack for college, they take more than bedding, clothes, books and electronics. They also take with them our parental hopes and expectations. This can produce a kind of remarkable stress that we parents sometimes forget.

For years we’ve encouraged them, talked about college and even talked to our friends and family members about our kids’ academics. ‘Oh yeah, Joan here is going to Clemson and then med school; she’s going to be a surgeon! Aren’t you baby?’ (Joan nods her head nervously…) ‘Rick is planning to be an architect, right dear?’ Or a lawyer or an artist. We think that at 16, 17 (or even in their 20’s) they can plan their entire lives and it will all play out as scripted. We expect that they’ll go to university, get that planned degree, go to professional school or grad school, find an awesome job and then we can tell everyone how great they did. This is particularly a feature of families where mom and dad have college degrees of their own. Although unfair, in many families the level of education the kids attain and the schools they attend can be seen as markers of status for parents.

And yet what if they don’t succeed? What if they’re frightened? What if they’re tempted? What if they feel outcast? What if they develop an addiction? What if they get pregnant? Perhaps harder for parents (and kids) to accept, what if they aren’t ready? Perhaps they don’t enjoy the academic environment. They may realize that they just want a good job, a spouse and some babies of their own. What if, like all humans, they simply miss home and the places and people they love?

The thing is, we parents (and grands) must never let our children’s identities be completely tied to education or career. Because if is, and if it goes wrong, then the whole structure of their precious lives might be shaken. Talk about pressure!

But our children are valuable because they’re our children. That’s the most important and foundational truth they need to hear. Not because of their grades, scholarships, IQ’s, career goals, awards or anything else. And it needs to be followed by this truth: “Hey kid, if you are unhappy, if school doesn’t work for you, if you change majors or change life-goals, it’s OK. You are not defined by any of it. I love you no matter what; you can always tell me the truth. And home is always here for you.”

So dear parents, send them off to school with tears and joy! Encourage them! But always remind them that they are valued for who they are, not for the success or failure of their educational or professional adventures.

And stock up the fridge. They’ll be home for the weekend soon enough.